Q:

My parents divorced four years ago. I don't quite understand why they divorced, but the aftermath of that divorce is rather devastating. My sister and I are supposed to live with my Dad, but I would rather be with my Mom. A month ago I ranaway and told my Mom how I felt. From her less than enthusiastic reply it is very obvious that she has little interest in including me in her new life. She has re-married and two years ago had a baby with her new husband - my "step" brother.

I just don't get why my Mom can't spare a bit of motherly love for me. She won't even support me or my sister financially. I have to work to buy my own clothes and other things that parents normally provide because my Dad has to put his money toward the bare essentials. However, she is really good to my "step" brother. Why? I don't understand. I've tried to understand, but I can't. I try not to feel jealous but I can't help myself. I only want a bit of motherly love directed at me, is that wrong? She gave birth to me, I am her daughter too, why is she treating me (and my sister) this way?

I am very sad... devastated actually. I always hang a smile to cover up my real feelings. It would devastate my Dad to know how lonely I am feeling. He tries so hard and is a really good Dad, but sometimes a girl needs her mother! I am really tired and burnt out. I need my Mom!!! I hope you can help me break out of this dead knot please... tell me what I should do... please!

A:

You are in a very difficult, and sadly, NOT unusual spot. Can I address the issue of your "step" brother first? It is hard when you are in the thick of something like this to see that everything is not about you. Your mother's attentions to her newest child are not about rejecting you, it is about getting to know her new baby and adjusting to her life with a new husband. A few things to keep in mind here;

1. Your HALF-brother (technically he is not your step brother since you share a biological mother) is still a toddler, a relative baby when compared to you, his needs are different than yours and younger children need more physical attention no matter what. It is easy to confuse this with getting more love. That is not the case, younger children simply require more hands on care.
2. Your mother has lived through a divorce and is starting a new family, as cold and heartless as it may seem she probably isn't thinking of you first. This is not to excuse her not thinking of her "old children" but merely to enlighten you to the fact that your mother may be distant by default - she may not even realize that is what you are perceiving.
3. I don't know the circumstances of the divorce but if she broke up the family she is probably dealing with guilt, guilt at letting you down. People handle this differently but it is not unusual to distance oneself from that which reminds you of guilt. You need to confront her feelings and your own and tell her that guilt or not you need and deserve a mother who will be there for you.
4. If she is not the cause of the break up she will be dealing with resentment and disappointment. You may remind her of those feelings. If this is the case you need to do all you can to show her that you are her daughter, not a part of the marriage that failed but a by-product of it. Help her to separate the children from the failed relationship.

I am not at all making excuses for her, I am only trying to get you to see her (possible) perspectives. Very often in situations of divorce children end up taking the "adult" role and acting "mature". Parents are people too and they are not always parents first. You mom is dealing with her own life, remind her that you are part of it!

That said, you are not at all wrong to want or need attention from your mother. Especially now as you are losing your family, you need reassurance that you are not also losing a parent. Do not feel bad or wrong about wanting some babying or extra attention from your mother. You deserve it and she owes it to you. Call her on it!

I suggest a heart to heart at a moment of calm (ie - not when you are fighting or otherwise stressed). Tell her how you are feeling and how the divorce is effecting you. Let her know that you still want and need her in your life as a full mother and that what happened to end her marriage happened between her and your father. Let her know that you love her and want her in your life. Tell her that right now she is not living up to your needs or her obligations. Make it clear that you understand she has her own life and her own worries but that you feel there must be a compromise - somewhere where both of you can feel you are getting what you need and deserve.

I wish you luck. You are dealing with a difficult situation that you did not create. Your mother's actions are forcing you to take on a role you shouldn't have to, that of the "mature one". Try not to let resentment of this fact make you bitter. Regardless of what your mother does or has done you are a person worthy of love. Don't let her actions cause you to doubt that. Stay strong!

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