Teen Life Q&A
A clingy friend, is it time to move on?

Q:

My friend is driving me crazy. We have been friends since grade school, mostly because our dads work together and because we go to the same church. We are in junior high school now and she is a really clinging to me. I want to hang around with my new friends but every time I turn around there she is! She is a bit of a dweeb and doesn't fit in with my new group. I'm afraid she's going to ruin my chance to get in with the "in" crowd. She has spent the whole summer glued to my side. How can I unstick her before we go back to school?

A:

Ouch! This one hurts for so many reasons. First, let me tell you that you are in a very common place. As we grow up we change and as this happens we often drift away from old friends. It is a normal part of life. For the most part, friendships drift apart so slowly that the break is virtually painless. These old friendships are replaced by fond memories of closer times and polite smiles as you pass each other in the halls at school. But sometimes the break is not so easy. If one friend is ready for a change in their life when the others not, the end result can be resentment and hurt feelings. I suspect this is what is happening to you.

You are ready to take on

Your opinion of your friends seems to be tainted by what you feel is her "clinginess". I say "tainted" because it is unlikely you stayed friends with somebody "since grade school" if they annoyed you or if you didn't have something in common other than family ties. You are looking for new adventures, and your quest is leaving her behind, but that doesn't mean that she is suddenly "not good enough" for you. Before writing off years of friendship, make sure that the two of you really are going in different directions, socially speaking. Be sure that you are not adopting a new opinion of an old friend based on what the people you want "to be in with" think of her. This not only shows a lack of respect for your friend, it shows a lack of respect for yourself and your ability to choose companions. Before beginning a "friendship separation" make sure you are in it for the right reasons.

That said, if you are sure that you and your friend have really grown in different directions, the only way to keep things civil between you is by talking to her before your resentment deepens. Tell her you still value her and that since your father's work together and you attend the same church you will always stay in touch, then let her know you are looking to broaden your circle of friends. Be honest and tell her that it seems the two of you no longer share the same interests and that you think it would be a good idea if you each pursued new interests alone. Do not end the friendship completely and make your friend understand that you still intend to find time for her. Then stick by your word and still talk to her on the phone, make "dates" to see her, and hang with her at school. Just do these things less frequently. Encourage her to make new friends of her own or help her connect with other people in your new group with whom she may have more in common.

As you and she move on in your lives, never break the golden rule of friendship. No matter how "uncool" your new friends may think she is, never, ever, turned on her for the sake of popularity. Turning on an old friend almost always ends in regret, no matter what the short term social gains may be. It is never worth throwing away a childhood friendship just because she may not be as col as you wish you were. The memories you and she share can't be erased by a few awkward years; it is best not to turn her into an enemy. Today's "geek girl" is tomorrow's "chic girl". We all bloom at different rates, and good looks are no real price and definitely are not an accurate measure of a persons worth. Good friendships are hard to come by and should never be lightly dismissed.

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