"I WILL REMEMBER YOU"
When Someone You Know Dies
A Guidebook Through Grief
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How is teen grief different from adult grief?
It is more likely that, for a teen, this is their first experience of loss. In addition, teens are experiencing the loss of
early childhood with huge hormonal shifts and bodily changes all while trying to consolidate a sense of themselves apart from
their parents. They must add the challenging emotional work of grieving to this already busy inner mental world.
Developmentally, teens are not yet wired to think of future consequences of behavior, nor of their potential mortality.
A death is therefore an even harder-to-digest occurrence.
What is similar about teen and adult grief?
At any age, we all feel sad, mad, relieved, and/or guilty when someone dies - sometimes all at once, sometimes in turn. We
all find these feelings unbearable at times. We all, at times, put feelings into action instead of letting ourselves feel
them.
How is teen grief different from that of younger children?
Young children are more likely to turn to their parents or other adults for support and explanation when someone dies. Teens,
precisely because they are working to separate from these very same adults, more frequently turn to other teens instead.
What is the difference between healthy and unhealthy grieving?
Healthy grieving leads to resolution - finding a way to hold onto what is cherished about the person who died and to
ultimately find joy in living on. In unhealthy grieving, the person does not come to this. He/she is unable to enjoy life
without the one who died and hence lives a stilted, sad existence. This can be seen in many different ways: suicidal
feelings, depression, sexual promiscuity, drug use and/or stagnation for a prolonged period of time -- well over a year --
after the death.
What advice would you give to the survivors of the recent school shootings?
First and foremost, my heart goes out to you. You are not alone. You've experienced a huge trauma and you are going to have
to give yourself time to recoup and recover. Grieving is a process. It will feel differently over time and you can help
yourself get there by being open to all your feelings and reactions, even ones you think you "shouldn't" have. Find a
trustable and knowledgeable person to talk them over with. Try to identify what the shootings, the injuries, and the deaths
mean to you specifically. Find a-way-any-way that feels right for you to put your feelings to some good use.
More - Q & A Part 2 - Pages 1, 2, 3
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