|
Q:
Here's my problem. My friend
and some other people bugged my crush into asking me
out. He did ask me but it was for Friday night, a night when my
friend is having a party. I was going to ditch the party and go
skating with him but when I told my friend she spazed and said she would hate me
if I chose going out with him over her party. Thinking I had found a good compromise I asked her if I
could bring him to her party as my date. I was shocked when she said "No way!" and let me know that
I had to choose between him and our friendship.
I want her as a friend more than I want to go out with this guy but I am a little put off by her ultimatum.
I don't want her to be mad at me ever time I go out with a
guy instead of doing something with her and think that if I back down now it will set a bad trend.
What do I do?
A:
The world is full of two camps - the dumpers and the dumpees - and sooner or later we all will have
broken bread around both hearths. Most people tend to think it is easier to do the dumping than it is to be dumped,
this simply isn't true and you are learning that first hand. Bottom line, it is
no fun being on either side of the end of a relationship.
What you describe is very normal and I would encourage you to distance
yourself. You say that you are in your senior year, that is a
year full of exciting changes and opportunities. Your guy isn't factoring your reality
or feelings into his plans for the future. That isn't fair to you. You want to experience "17" and
there is nothing wrong with that, don't let him convince you otherwise. You only have one year to be a
high school senior and many years to spend married and in love.
First thing you have to do is resolve yourself to ending the relationship
and promise yourself to do it no matter what. Any reaction he has is totally
within his control and you are not to blame for it. Make sure that you know
and accept this before you take another step. You can not accept responsibility if he chooses to
react badly to your need for space. You are not doing something to him, you are doing something
for yourself.
Next, explain to him that relationships end for lots of reasons and in your
case a lack of love is not the cause. Say that you are at different points
in your life and that you really need him to remember his senior year. Would
he want to deny you that experience? Tell him that it is better to leave a
relationship while there is still SOME love left and that you think what you
two share is worth more than a drawn out and bitter end. If you thin there is a chance that
the two of you may reconnect someday tell him so, let him know that you are
not saying it is over forever, but that for you it is over for now. Let him know
that you need to grow on your own first. Then add, that you know in breaking it off you may be
letting him go forever and that you are OK with that, your self growth is
your priority right now.
Don't let him make you feel selfish because you want to break up in order to experience life
as a high school senior - there is a difference
between being selfish and saving your self. Staying in a relationship that you aren't happy with is
ridiculous at your age. Youth should be about happiness and exploration, NOT guilt and
life long commitment. If he tries to tell you otherwise turn the tables and point out that his
wanting to deny you things he has already experienced is what is really selfish.
If all else fails tell him the "If you love someone set them free, if they
come back to you they're yours forever, if they don't they never were." If
he really loves you he will want you to be happy, even if it is without him.
If he can't see this what he has for you is a love set in obsession and
dependancy - this is not healthy for either one of you.
Resolve yourself to ending it and do it as nicely as possible. Do not let
him guilt you in to staying, it will only make everything worse and turn you
love for him in to resentment. Guilt is a form of manipulation and nobody should be trapped
in a relationship based on manipulation, especially at age 17!
More Teen Life Q & A > Past Questions
|
