A:

What you describe here is a text book example of school yard sexual harassment. Sexual Harassment is any unwanted and/or inappropriate sexual touching and or language that makes the school environment feel unsafe and hostile. It is much more common than most people think.

While sexual harassment is well addressed on college and university campuses, it remains a taboos topic in high school and middle school settings. This is bad because much of our life long attitudes toward members of the opposite sex are formed in these early years. Unfortunately, a combination of out dated attitudes and stereotypes about uncontrollable teen age hormones keep the issue of sexual harassment at school from being discussed with any level of seriousness. It is much easier to take a "boys will be boys"; "it's all hormones, no brains"; or, "they haven't figured out the proper way to let a girl know they are interested" attitude than it is to admit that teens are capable of using sexually charged conduct as a weapon against others. It is easier to ignore the reality behind this type of behavior and want to dismiss it as social bumbling then it is to face reality. The irony is that teens who engage in this form of harassment do not need excuses made for them, they need to be held accountable.

While I doubt that this boy's intentions are to threaten or intimidate you, his actions are totally out of line. He needs to be shown and told that he has crossed a line with you. Next time this happens, firmly push his hand away and say, "I don't like it when you do that, I don't find it flattering, please stop!". If he becomes hostile, simply add, "I'm sorry you can't see my side of this and appreciate my feelings", then walk away. Walk away and straight to the teacher or counsellor that you trust most.

Since retaliation or hurtful rumours are always a fear with teens I suggest a non-agressive approach. Go to the teacher or counsellor and tell them what has happened, tell them how often it has happened in the past and that you were not sure how to handle it so you kept quiet. Say that it became unbearable and you decided to say something to him. Tell the teacher what you said to stop him and how he reacted. Then say that since you are afraid he may get hostile you would prefer that they not discipline him unless he REFUSES to stop despite your warning. Tell them that now that you have made your feelings known to him that if the behavior continues you will EXPECT the school to get involved and discipline him, but for now request that they just keep an extra eye on him. I also suggest repeating all of the above to your parents so that they can become involved if the behaviour persists. If this boy keeps doing it do not hesitate to insist that the school do something about it - they have a legal obligation to keep you safe and comfortable at school.

That said, if this boy acts this way towards other girls as well, we are not dealing with a inept teen age boy, we are dealing with a budding predator. If this is the case he is using the sexual touching as a "social weapon" designed to intimidate and upset girls. He must be stopped with a firm hand and school intervention. If he is indeed doing this to cause others discomfort the school should be alerted immediately. It is good if you can get together a group of his victims before going to the school - there is strength in numbers. Together you can all demand that he be reprimanded without fear that retaliatory gossip will discredit you. If this boy intimidates girls in this manner he has a serious problem and needs professional help ASAP.

You are in the thick of it and are able to make a judgement call as to his motivations. If the boy has a crush on you tell him that there are much better ways to get your attention and that him grabbing you the way he does only makes you less interested in being around him. Tell him if he wants to earn your affections he can do it by being polite, courteous and caring of your feelings. Then decide if you could ever be with him romantically and be honest with him about how you feel. However, if he is just a big pain who enjoys bugging girls in this manner, get the school involved and never bother with him again.

More Teen Life Q & A > Past Questions