Question: We were so happy, why did he dump me?
Answer: My boyfriend dumped me out if the blue for no apparent reason. One day we were happy, getting along, and in love, the next day he was gone. What happened????
This is not an easy question to answer. In fact any question about WHY another person does something is impossible to answer in a generic applies-to-everyone kind of way. In reality the reasons why people do the things they do are often complex and multi-faceted. This includes the reasons why people end relationships. You say you were happy one day and broken up the next; lets examine that statement. Perhaps you were the only one who was happy, if this is the case then Id guess that a big part of why things ended has to do with your inability to see the other persons feelings/needs. Think back, were there any signs that your steady was less than joyful in your union. Be honest. Think back. Were there clues that you either chose to ignore or can only see in hindsight? Not to be too mean, but if the relationship ended because the main focus of everything was you and your happiness you will want to know this so that you can avoid repeating the mistake. Hey, if your insensitivity was at play in this break up then identifying it and making a vow to change could get you back together. So really think back and decide was your relationship all about YOU rather than US? No? OK, then there are some other common reasons why an otherwise good thing suddenly ends. Pay attention, the list is short:
- The other person gets scared. Unable to deal with the depth of their feelings, people who get scared often bolt from a good thing rather than wait around for it to turn sour. These people have either never been in love or have been in love and been badly hurt. Either way when a person bolts in fear they are like a wild animal; running on adrenaline, rushing as far away as possible in search of safety, and totally focused on the goal of not getting hurt. How do you fix it? Dont give chase because this will only fuel the fight or flight instinct that has taken control. Instead be patient, urge them to the safety of you by acting reassuring at all times, by never smothering them, but by also making it clear that you arent going to leave them no matter what. If they broke things off because they were scared you will quickly know because your reassurances and non-threatening demeanor will bring them back to you. If they still resist despite all your kind gestures than this is not why they broke up with you and you need to let go.
- The other person is dealing with his or her own personal crisis/issues that have little or nothing to do with you. If this is the case you will likely hear something along the lines of lets stay friends or Its not you, its me. Yes, these are standard cowards lines out of a relationship so identifying them properly can be tricky at first but it quickly becomes clear that these sentiments were sincere and therefore likely to be true as time passes. How? If your ex really does try to stay friends or if s/he continues to confide in you chances are good that the real reason behind the break up has more to do with bad timing than lack of chemistry between the two of you. If this is the case the only thing you can do is relax and wait it out. Here is a time when the old cliché if you love something set it free, if it comes back to you its yours forever if it doesnt it never was has a ring of truth. If your happy relationship was cut short by fate all you can do is hope that fate will again intervene and that when it does the outcome will be more favorable. Nothing is ever over, and time really does heal all love-wounds. So take a deep breath, close your eyes and let go, oh yeah, and remember the future can bring anything!
- The other person just doesnt feel for you the way you thought s/he did. OK, insensitivity/selfishness aside it is possible that you can be so caught up in your own heartfelt joy at being in love that you fail to see your feelings are not returned. It happens and it doesnt make you a bad or naïve person. You fell in love, the love was not returned the same way, things ended. No big deal. Life goes on, you live and learn, from the lost comes the found, yada yada yada. Basically this is just one of those cruel ironies of life and it happens to everyone. Suck it up and let things go. It is the only way.
- The other person is a jerk and you were too love-struck to see it. This is the reason for your break up if ANY or all of the following are a factor: cheating, abuse, pressure to do something you dont want to do (like sex or drugs), or cruelty. If any of these things factored in to your break up in any way there are two things you must realize and accept - you are better off without this loser in your life and you werent really happy anyway no matter how much you think you were - nuff said.