Before opening any dialogue it is essential that you do a risk assesment. You must have a realistic grasp on what your parents' culturally based reaction may be. You must know and be prepared to deal with any and all possible consequences, and where necessary have back up support in place. Although you may not adhere to the cultural practices of your parents, they do follow them and it is extremely important that you know what the worst case scenario may be. Don't assume that parental bonds are stronger than cultural pressures, this is not always the case.
If there is even the remotest possibility that your assertions could result in physical harm to you, you must find reliable and responsible adult supporters (a boyfriend, girlfriend or peers may actually make the situation more hostile and the reaction more dire). The best choices for support are trusted adults like; a favorite teacher, a counsellor, a child advocate, a family friend or a family member(s) who share your views, or a family services agent. You may even want to consider making a lawyer aware of your situation, there are public aide lawyers available to teens and children in situations of extreme danger through most social service agencies in North America.
Tips to help you have "the talk":
1. Do not be confrontational in your behaviour. Do not go on the offensive. This conversation is going to be hard enough without giving your parents a good reason to justify being defensive.
2. Know and respect the rules of your parents' culture and follow them to the very best of your ability when talking to them about your conflicts. For instance, if contradicting the wishes of ones parents is frowned upon in their culture open your conversation with something like this;
"I know that you see my bringing this up as disrespectful but that is not at all what I am trying to be, I just really need you to know what is going on in my life and how I feel about a few things".
Make the issue more about you and your feelings than about culture.
3. It is pivotal that you point out how different the culture you have been raised in is from the one your parents remember from their homeland. Some of the struggles they consider unavoidable actually may not even exist for you, yet they may be unable to see this. Enlighten them to the reality of life in Western culture and listen when they tell you how they see things. It is essential that they come to see that the world you know and the world they remember are not at all the same. Even if they don't like your world, they must be made to see how it is different.
4. Before telling them what it is about their culture that you don't want in your life, list all of the things you embrace and/or respect. Make clear that your criticisms are not a blanket rejection of your heritage or of them.
5. Remain calm throughout the entire conversation even if it takes a turn you don't like. If they start to get angry or shut off and stop listening it is very important that you not punctuate this behavior with your own anger. Instead, stay calm and stop talking. Let them know that your feelings won't change but that you can wait until later to discuss it further. Then wait until things have calmed down before you approach the topic again. If, after several attempts, you still can't reach them consider going to a trusted adult for support and guidance (obviously, this person should not adhere to the same culture you are challenging).
6. Do not attack your parents' culture or practices, only express why they are not right for you or why you can't embrace them as your own. Refrain from saying things like; "You left that country and came here for a reason!" or "If it was so great there why did you leave?". When people decide to immigrate it isn't always because they want to get away from their culture. More often economics, career opportunity, oppression or other political issues are the primary consideration.
Like culture clashes in the world, culture clashes in families are not likely to go away. Learning to live with them and to accept the differences is really the most anyone can hope for. "Peaceful Cohabitation" is a fair compromise. So long as there is a healthy respect for each of the cultures within the family unit, there is a good chance that the family can stay one even when there are two cultural influences acting upon it.