I need to break up with my boyfriend because he is so emotionally attached to me! HELP!! It is seriously a case of emotional abuse because all I ever hear is, "I don't know what I would do without you!" and, "I don't have to worry about that because you would never leave me!". I need to break up with him before our 6 month anniversary because that will just make it even harder! Please help me! I cannot be a slave anymore!
A:
You have a really good handle on the situation and it is amazing that you know he is emotionally abusing you by keeping your relationship together with veiled threats and emotional blackmail. This guy has GOT TO GO! Now, I wonder, does he threaten to do you physical harm? Does he imply that he will hurt you if you dump him; kind of a "If I can't have you, nobody can!" type thing? Or does he make it seem as if he will hurt himself if you break it off?
If you really fear he is this unstable you do need to handle the situation with kid gloves. The first thing you must do is get a trusted adult and fill them in on everything - and I mean everything! Be it a teacher, a school counsellor, a beloved aunt or your parents, there has to be an adult involved. Why? Because then you will have somebody who "those in authority" will take seriously if doctors, the police, or other law enforcement have to get involved. It is unlikely it will come to that, but it is always better to be safe than to be sorry.
Next step, assess the seriousness of his words. Are they romantic ramblings or do they seem to be sincere pleas? When he says these things do you feel as if he is putting you on a very high pedestal, or is it more like he is trying to make you feel special? You really have to look over the situation and decide if he is really as involved as you think. If he is really in to you the break up has to be short, simple, to the point and with no room for doubt.
You have to take him somewhere public that has no prior meaning to your relationship. Meaning, don't go to your regular hang out or to the site of your first date. Ideally, you should go in separate cars and you should arrange to meet friends immediately after the big break. You should also put your friends on notice of where you will be and tell them to "show up" there if you don't meet them at the predetermined time. Under no circumstances should you agree to go off with him or retreat to somewhere "more private". If you are worried for your safety or how he will react, the more people around, the better.
Next you need to be clear with your body language. Don't hold his hand, don't put your arm around him, pull away from him if he tries to touch you. You can not leave any room for doubt in your body language. You can't give him a look or a touch to cling to and use to convince himself that you don't mean what you are saying. Even a hand holding gesture can become a seed for obsession. When you get to the point of actually saying the words, "It's over!", don't sugar coat it and don't over explain. Don't start with anything that even resembles, "I really care about you..." or, "This is as hard for me as it is for you...". Instead, the direct approach is best. Say something like, "You have made it very clear how you feel about me, but I have to be honest, I don't feel the same way. Since our feelings about the relationship are so different, I just don't think we should stay together." Do not apologize, do not say you wish things could be different, do not let him talk you out of it!
When somebody seems obsessed the last thing you need to worry about is sounding polite or letting them down easy. You need to be to the point and make the break quickly. As soon as you have said your piece, get up and tell him, "I have to call my dad (or whoever the adult you confided in earlier may be), he is worried about me and asked me to call when I finished talking to you", then go to the phone. Make sure he sees you use the phone. Really do call your dad (or whoever) and tell them you have broken things off. They will now be ready to look out for anything strange or unusual. It will also let him know that you have changed the dynamic of your relationship to include others.
The final step is to leave, don't look back. Leave and go to your friends. Cry there or cry at home but don't let him see even an inkling of regret. Don't be alone, don't let him talk you in to meeting him and make sure that you have a solid support system of friends, adults and counsellors in place. If he turns violent or threatening or starts stalking you, don't hesitate to go to the authorities and don't feel as if you drove him to anything. You need to look out for you and your safety and sanity - his feelings have to come after "taking care of you."