I need to break up with my boyfriend because he is so emotionally attached to me! HELP!! It is seriously a case of emotional abuse because all I ever hear is, "I don't know what I would do without you!" and, "I don't have to worry about that because you would never leave me!". I need to break up with him before our 6 month anniversary because that will just make it even harder! Please help me! I cannot be a slave anymore!
A:
I agree with Tina on all of what she said, but I would like to add a few things. You definitely have to make this break as clean cut as possible. No extra sympathies or apologies. Under no circumstances should you let him think there is a chance you will get back together, even if you secretly want to keep that option open. As Nike would say, "Just Do It!"
Since this guy seems a bit obsessed you also have to take some precautions. Under normal circumstances, people tend to consider ending a relationship a very personal thing that they share with others AFTER the break up has happened. You can't do this. You have to make sure that other people are very aware of your fears and concerns, and that they know you have no intention of staying with the guy. Don't gossip or make him look foolish to others, this will only fuel the anger he is sure to feel. Only tell them what they need to know:
- his feelings are stronger than yours
- you are no longer happy with him
- he may not react very well to your break up and has indicated
- that he may be out to get you or out to hurt himself
- you are definitely going to end things
You should turn to as many adults as you can trust and might want to consider going to his parents after the fact. If you do go to them tell them they can not tell him you were concerned for him since this will give him hope for reconciliation. Tell them that you think they need to know that you are no longer a couple and that he has indicated the break up will be very hard for him. They can watch out and infer the rest.
One of the biggest common factors when a break up turns deadly or dangerous is the fact that "nobody" knew anything was wrong. You have to make sure people not only know that something is wrong, but that they also know it is over... with a capital "O". Confide on a "need to know" basis to peers and on a "heart to heart" level with trusted adults. Avoid even the appearance of gossip and don't give him a reason to feel more alienated than he already will. After the break up, do not talk to him. If he calls politely tell him that you think he is prolonging things by calling. Do not indicate that in time you may be friends again. If he starts threatening suicide, tell someone who can really get him help and leave your involvement in "stopping him" at that. You may also want to consider calling a women's crisis line or going to some survivors of abuse support meetings in order to find strength in numbers.
You have very astutely recognized his current behavior as a form of emotional abuse and getting help from others who have been there may help you. This break up is not going to be easy for you, even though you want it, since you won't get to use any of the "friendly" tactics most people employ in ending relationships. You may even feel bad that you were so cold. Don't feel bad, you have to seem as detached as possible, even if it is killing you inside. Cry only in the presence of trusted friends and take every precaution to ensure your sadness never gets back to him. Allow yourself to mourn the loss of the relationship and the fact that you had to end things feeling like a "bad guy". Hey, who know, just because you can't let him know you still want his friendship doesn't mean that one day you won't be able to get along. He may even move on to a happier relationship with little or no real incidents. But as Tina said, it is far better to be safe than sorry!
