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She Says... A Girl's Perspective

My boyfriend broke up with me because his buddy likes me!

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Q:
My ex and I were very happy. I don't know if I believe in love at this young an age, but I'd like to think that's what it was. Problems started when he decided to get new friends, with new habits. His new best friend decided he was "in love with me" and he ruined a lot of things for us when he told my ex. My ex felt it was in our best interest to break it off until his buddy got over me...which I don't feel is going to happy any time soon. As a very very happy couple---should we have broken it off? What was/is our best strategy at this point? I miss him, and I act very differently around him, and as much as I hate admitting it, I'm engaging in new habits of my own to hide my sadness. I don't want this to become something larger than it should be...what should my ex and I do to fulfill our own feelings, and not hurt his friends any more than we have to?

A:
You say you are a "very very happy couple" but it sounds as if you aren't really a couple at all, at least not anymore. Your ex says that he broke up with you for the sake of a friendship but it just doesn't ring true to me. Why did he have to break up with you for a friend's crush? If he was just being sensitive to his pals feelings why not just limit romantic behaviour around the guy - why make the drastic move of breaking up? Unless I'm missing a big part of the equation, like his buddy is unstable or you used to date the guy, his words and his actions just don't mesh.

He is concerned about his friends feelings but seems to have no concern for yours and that speaks volumes. It says that his feelings for you don't even begin to matter as much as his friendship and that he would rather hang out with this guy than be your one and only. While I don't doubt he has feelings for you, I do doubt that they are as strong as the feelings you have for him. The fact that he has either made up this excuse or let it be a reason for breaking things off really bothers me. It makes me wonder what kind of guy he really is. If his story is true, his loyalty to his buddy is commendable, but his lack of loyalty to you is despicable. If his story is a lie designed to give him "an out" of your relationship, the guy is a snake. Either way he doesn't seem worthy of your love or patience.

You write, "I don't want this to become something larger than it should be" but I think it already is bigger than necessary. Your ex made this into something complicated when he decided to choose friendship over romance and there is nothing you can do to fix that. The damage here is done - by him! I think you already know that. My best advice to you right now is to move on and take care of your own needs. Don't waste another minute of your precious youth on this guy's twisted loyalty to his buddy. The sincerity of your feelings and the real pain I sense in your e-mail tell me that you are somebody with a great deal to give in the name of love, don't throw it all away on a guy who doesn't appreciate you.

As hard as it may be I think you should let him and his friend go. They are dead weight on your heart and soul. If you really feel you need to do something to salvage your relationship I would try giving him an ultimatum. Tell him how much you respect his loyalty to his friend but that you don't understand why he feels no such loyalty to you. Ask him how he really feels and be prepared to get an answer you may not like. If he insists that he still wants you tell him to prove it. Tell him to that if he cares for you more than he does for his friend it is time he acted like it by being your boyfriend again. If he refuses and gives you the same tired story walk away, and don't look back. My gut feeling is that he is playing games with you, not wanting to owe you anything but not yet ready to let you go on with your life. Give it your best shot but if he can't give you what you need, cut him loose - for good!

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