My ex and I were very happy. I don't know if I believe in love at this young an age, but I'd like to think that's what it was. Problems started when he decided to get new friends, with new habits. His new best friend decided he was "in love with me" and he ruined a lot of things for us when he told my ex. My ex felt it was in our best interest to break it off until his buddy got over me...which I don't feel is going to happy any time soon. As a very very happy couple---should we have broken it off? What was/is our best strategy at this point? I miss him, and I act very differently around him, and as much as I hate admitting it, I'm engaging in new habits of my own to hide my sadness. I don't want this to become something larger than it should be...what should my ex and I do to fulfill our own feelings, and not hurt his friends any more than we have to?
A:
Can I be blunt? As a guy my first thought is, "Didn't I use that very line back in grade 9?" When it comes to breaking up with girls, guys are cowards. We just hate to see you cry. Here's how it works; if we are dating you chances are very good that we care about you, and even if we don't want to be your boyfriend anymore, we don't want to see you hurt. In order to avoid seeing you hurt we come up with all sorts of crazy, quasi logical reasons to break it off. We don't mean any harm by it, we just think it might be easier for both of us (OK, we think it is easier for us) if we part on good terms. No tears, no yelling, no cursing, no problem! Right? Well, not exactly. The thing is, this cowards way out is full of problems.
In not wanting to deal with your pain we end up creating a private hell for you and that is so wrong. You are entitled to your pain and, as the cause of it, we should have to deal with it too. What I think when I read your e-mail is that your ex wants to spare your feelings so he creates this excuse to break up with you "for awhile" hoping that you will get tired of waiting. It may well be true, that doesn't really matter, true or false he is using it to get out of the relationship without having to deal with your feelings or pain.
It may well be that he is not yet sure he wants to break things off with you. He may decide he wants you back some day and it will be easier to get you back if your not mad at him. Just think, he is out there acting single telling you that his friend's feelings for you make it impossible for you to be an item and all it will take to get you back is saying his friend is finally over you. Not only will he get to have you back when/if he wants you but he will have the whole "star crossed lovers" thing going for him too. You have to admit, it is ingenious!
I believe that he cares for you but that he is playing games. He doesn't want you for himself but he doesn't want you to be with anyone else either. He is being selfish, plain and simple, and no matter what he is saying to you, right now his heart is not yours. You would be best to cut him off completely and try to move on. Maybe once he sees you with someone else he will stop playing games and if it isn't too late, you two can get back together. I can promise you if you wait through all of this and get back with him it will be bitter sweet - you will resent him in the long run. Either way, grow a spine and speak up now. Give him one last chance to do right by you and if he won't tell him it is over. If you are the one calling the shots, I think you will feel much better about the whole strange situation and at this point your number one priority has to be your own self esteem and mental well being. It won't be easy to move on when there are so many questions in your mind, but it won't be any harder than what you are going through right now.
