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He Says... A Guy's Prspective

Help! We had sex and now he's a jerk to me!

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Q:
Me and my boyfriend have been together for a year. However we broke up for a period of six months. We broke up because after we had sex for the first time he said he was confused about how he felt about me. He said he was feeling this " confusion " before we had sex. This sux because I was unsure the night we "did it" and he reassured me that he "loved " me. Any ways there is some history for you. So we got back together in April and now he acts like an jerk to me and then I will cry sometimes and he apologizes and feels bad, but will do it again later. I know I should break up with him but I love him and I'm scared I'll regret it... what should I do?

A:
Guys can be such goofs when we are confused, but that should not be an excuse. Don't let him use it as one. It is very common for people to lie about their feelings to get sex, that is going to happen all through your life, not just while you are a teen. You need to learn to trust your gut instincts.

Before you and he had sex something in you told you "don't do this yet" and now, something in you is saying "this relationship is no good for me." I urge you to listen to those feelings. Love is not about hurt feelings, it is about being happy and secure. Your boyfriend isn't giving these things to you and he is taking a big part of your self esteem.

It is very common for people who have sex for the first time to get confused and have mixed emotions the next day, your boyfriend is not making excuses when he says this. What he is doing is using that honesty as a reason to be cruel now. He is probably taking an "I told you how I felt" attitude. That is no good.

If you broke up after having sex the first time and he admitted that he had doubts about your relationship before that, I have to say that the problems did not come from having sex. There were problems there before you were ever intimate. It is possible that he came back to you out of guilt, knowing it was mean thing to do to break up with you after your first time together. Now he is feeling resentful and trapped and is taking it out on you by acting like a jerk. He obviously cares about you or he wouldn't have come back, but I suspect he came back for the wrong reasons. So what ends up happening is he feels bad for hurting you, he comes back to you, he feels trapped, he starts being mean, he fells bad for hurting you by being mean, he apologizes, you accept, it happens again. In staying together you are setting yourself up for this to keep happening.

I know you don't want to hear this but the best thing to do is break up with him. YOU break up with him. If there is any chance that you will ever get back together and be happy he has to first be without you for real. Even when you were apart the first time he knew you were waiting in the wings. Don't give him that safety net this time. Tell him that he is obviously feeling very confused about your relationship right now and that you are not interested in waiting through it. Say it is too painful for you the way he changes his attitude toward you from minute to minute. Let him know that you won't take it anymore. Say you will miss him but that your happiness has to come first. Then walk away and don't look back. I promise, he will already be missing you and HE will be the one filled with regrets. If he wants you back after that let him earn it!

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Mike Hardcastle
About.com Teen Advice

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