Is it always a wasted emotion or are there times where it is a healthy response?
1) Why are you feeling jealous?
2) Is your jealousy based on something you have actually witnessed or heard from a reliable source or is it based on a feeling that something just isn’t right?
3) What has made you jealous in the past and when you’ve felt jealous were those feelings justified?
If you can clearly identify what it is that is making you feel jealous, if the source of your information is tangible and reliable, and if your past jealousies have turned out to be reasonable then you are probably experiencing Proactive Jealousy. Proactive Jealousy does not give you the right to go off in a jealous rage but it does mean that your jealousy is stemming from a healthy place of protecting yourself from real emotional harm. When handled in a calm and controlled manner Proactive Jealousy is a very positive response to an emotionally trying situation.
Controlling jealousy is very much like controlling anger. In fact, it would be fair to say that jealousy is a form of anger brought on by a fear of loss. When you feel yourself growing jealous the first thing you must do is calm down. Take some deep breaths, try to relax and then take an honest look at the situation. Ask yourself the three questions listed above. If your jealousy is reasonable the next step is how to address it with the other parties involved. Never allow yourself to go off in a jealous rant, it takes away from any validity to your jealousy and makes it very easy for others to dismiss. Approach the situation in a calm but stern fashion. State your point of view without throwing around accusations and suppositions and keep the emphasis on how what is happening makes you feel. Avoid pointing the finger or calling out others on their behaviors. Own the jealousy for what it is, your reaction, and try to reach a real solution rather than just vent your hurt feelings. Listen to what the other people have to say about the situation that has provoked a jealous response from you. Their perspective may be very different from your own and it is possible that you won’t have the full story about what is going on. There are many innocent situations that can be misinterpreted as something sinister. Make sure you know as much as possible before deciding what to do with your jealousy.
If it turns out your jealousy has real merit, and this is often the case, the best thing you can do for yourself is remain calm and remove yourself from the situation. As hard as it may be you must walk away and regroup. Talk over the situation with somebody safe, somebody you trust, and vent your negative feelings to them. Cry, scream, yell, let the hurt out in a safe place where you won’t hurt yourself or others. Use basic anger management skills and strategies to keep your feelings in line. Only once you have calmed down should you approach the person or people who have provoked your jealousy. When you do talk to them do your best to stay calm and know that the outcome may not be to your liking. Resist the urge to let anger take control. Finally know that jealousy exists to protect you from harm, not to control the behavior of another. Your jealousy can never control another person but it can help you identify and deal with some of life’s more unpleasant lessons.
