From Mike Hardcastle,
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My dad has serious depression and mental problems, and is emotionally abusive to my mom. She, my brother and I have decided, after ages of trying to convince him to get help, that we need to get out. What should I do to support my mom, who is having a really hard time with this? And what should we do about leaving our respective relationships with my dad and moving out or, preferably, getting him to move out, without hurting anyone too much?

This question really struck a chord with me. Mental illness is heavily stigmatized and deeply misunderstood and as a result many people who suffer from truly debilitating conditions never get the help they need. As you are experiencing first hand this reluctance to get help can be more destructive to those who live with and love the mentally ill individual than it is to that person. I want to start by congratulating you, your brother and your mom for recognizing that it is your father’s illness and not the man he is inside that has made him so difficult to live with. His inability or unwillingness to acknowledge and address his illness has left you and the rest of your family in survival mode and if he won’t get help you have no other choice but to move on and let go. Rest assured this is the right decision. This strategy is normally called “tough love” but I prefer to think of it as a matter of survival. You are not looking to bully your father in to getting help, by the sounds of it things have moved beyond that point, you are looking to salvage your family and heal from years of living with untreated mental illness. Doing so takes a great deal of strength and courage and you should all be commended for your convictions.

Your focus is right on the money, you need to be putting your energy in to helping one another live with this very difficult decision. As children, you and your brother should never be put in the position of feeling like you need to save your father. As a partner, your mother should never be put in the position of martyring herself. However, these are the roles you have all been playing for years as your father lived in denial about his condition. The first thing you must do is let go of any guilt you may be feeling and encourage your mother to do the same. When you live in chaos, as people living with the mentally ill always do, this becomes your baseline of existence, your normal way of life. Moving on from that chaos can be very scary and confusing. Guilt comes in to play as a means of returning to that chaos, the chaos you have come to see as normal, and this is why it is of the utmost importance that you address and move on from the guilt. As you read this you may even be thinking, “I don’t feel guilty!” but the reality is that guilt is always a factor in a situation like this. It may not come out right away but it will surface for one or all of you at some time in the near future. Be ready for it and vow to beat it. It is a stage that you must be prepared to deal with.

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