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Your mother is the person who is most likely to be dealing with guilt right now, even before the move has happened. Not only will she likely be feeling guilty about leaving your father but she will also be feeling guilt and fear about what this may do to you and your brother. You need to make every effort to alleviate her guilt, as it is guilt that could cause her to go back to your father. The fact that you, your brother and your mother sat down as a family and made this decision together absolutely amazes me, you can use this as a bond and a way to give your mother the courage she needs to let go of any guilt. Reassure her that this is what is best for all of you, tell her that you support the decision and do not blame her for having to make it, and most importantly make sure that she knows that she is a good person in a bad situation and that you know she is only trying to do what is best for everyone, your father included. In staying with your father and taking his abuse your mother enables him, making it so that he does not have to face the reality of his mental illness. She becomes both a crutch and a target. He leans on her to keep the family unit intact and to present a normal face to the outside world, at the same time she is likely the target of his frustrations and the person he blames when his mental illness causes conflict or difficulty in the family. By moving on without him your mother is taking the courageous step of breaking the cycle of enabling and forcing your father to face his mental illness. When she is no longer there to shoulder the weight of it all he will have to come to terms with it on his own. In the meantime the three of you can be healing making you more able to be there for him in the future if he decides to seek help; that is when he will really need you in his life and you must always be prepared to be there for him then.
You ask how to help your mom deal but you also need to be prepared to cope with your own feelings. There will be some very difficult times ahead as well as moments of great relief. The seesaw effect of this can be exhausting. Be prepared for them. You should be aware that your father will likely sink to even greater depths of depression without your family. He will get worse after you leave and if this doesn’t lead him to seek help he may stay worse off for the rest of his life. You, your brother and your mother need to be prepared for this reality and you must tell yourselves that it is not your fault. It should become your mantra. In leaving you are saving three people for sure and maybe a fourth if it leads to your father seeking help. In staying four people continue to suffer. You do the math; the decision your mother is making is the right one. Always think of it in these terms. Also be aware that just because you leave the household doesn’t mean you are no longer living with a mentally ill loved one. Mental illness will still be a part of your life whether you live with your father or not. It will shape your world even once he has left the family home. If he never gets help it may not be part of your day-to-day life but it will be a part of your family history and the years you spent living with the mental illness will shape who you become as an adult. If he gets help and you allow him back in to your life you will live with his controlled mental illness and the real fear of relapse.
As to your question about how to get your father to leave the family home, I am unable to answer that, you’re mother will need to seek legal advice. In the meantime, stay strong for yourself, your brother and your mother. And never forget that there may come a time when your father seeks treatment and wants you back in his life. If this happens, and I hope it does, I urge you to give him a chance to be a father to you. Depending on the type of mental illness he has a big part of his successful recovery will rest with his ability to rebuild the important relationships that were damaged by his untreated illness. As long as your father is not a physical danger to you I hope you will be able to be there for him in recovery the way you want to be there for your mother during this difficult time. I wish you and your family all the luck in the world. This is not an easy thing for any of you and it will be a challenge for years to come. Be strong together and you and your family will make it!
