1. People & Relationships

Teen Life Q&A

I'm not a virgin but I dont want to have sex with my new boyfriend.

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Q: I’m not a virgin, I’ve had sex with my last two boyfriends, and my current boyfriend keeps pressuring me to have sex with him but I don’t want to. It’s not that I don’t love him, I do, but I just don’t feel like taking our relationship to that level yet. The more he pressures me the more I don’t want to have sex with him but I can’t give him a really good reason why. How can I make my boyfriend see that my not wanting sex has nothing to do with my feelings for him? Help, I don’t want to lose him!

A: This is not a tough question to answer because the bottom line is pretty clear; if you don’t want to have sex you don’t have to. That’s just the way it works. Just because you’re not a virgin does not mean you have to give in to sex every time you are asked. It’s your body and you are totally within your rights to say no to sex regardless of the number of times you’ve had sex in the past. Losing your virginity to one guy does not mean that you become a sure thing for every guy you date. The decision to have sex or not to have sex is a very personal one and nobody should ever try to make you feel like you are doing something wrong by wanting to abstain. When you make the decision to give your virginity to somebody you do not also consent to give yourself to every guy who wants you, remember that.

As to your comment that you don’t feel you have a good reason to be saying no to your new boyfriend let’s take a step back for a moment and turn the tables. First, the fact that you just don’t want to have sex is a very, very good reason and no further explanation is needed. Secondly, your boyfriend has no good reason to expect you to have sex with him just because you had sex with your last boyfriend. They are two different people with whom you share two different relationships, what felt good and right in one relationship may not feel the same in another. This is just a fact of love and your new boyfriend needs to deal with it and stop pressuring you to do something you are not ready to do. Your willingness to have sex with him has nothing to do with how much you care for him. You can love somebody very much and not be ready to have sex with them as easily as you can have sex with somebody you don’t love at all. The two things - love and sex - are mutually exclusive even though they are best when combined.

There is so much peer pressure for teens to have sex and it can be all to easy to lose sight of what is right for you as an individual. Try to keep the faith. Virgin or not you always have a choice whether or not to have sex. Sex is not a proof of love. It is not a test of your commitment in a relationship. It is a very personal choice to share yourself with another person and it should never be taken lightly.

Just in case you need it...

5 Very Good Reasons to NOT Have Sex

  1. You don’t feel ready.
  2. You’re too scared to try it.
  3. You just don’t want to do it.
  4. You feel pressured by peers or your partner.
  5. You feel like you are being asked to prove your feelings by having sex.

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