My Parents Reconciled! "My dad left my mother just for a little while to think things out. He didn't
completely leave her. I still talked to him and all. Well my mother went crazy that night and she took everything in the
house and broke it. Now my dad came back and he is living here. My mother is in love with my dad and never knew why he left.
So she is acting so fake towards him doing everything and anything for him so he wont leave her. But she is still is crazy." SASSEB26
Do they regret having kids?
"My brother told me he read a statistic that 70% of parents regret having children. But I don't know where he got it from. Do you
know any parents who regretted having children?" PR34TY
You know what's worse?
"When you father is there, but has left. My father never ran out of the house, but he was never there for us
either. He never did anything with or for us..." Yukio
My parents divorced four years ago. I don't quite
understand why they divorced, but the aftermath of that divorce is
rather devastating.
My sister and I are supposed to live with my Dad, but I would rather
be with my Mom. A month ago I ranaway and told my Mom how I felt. From her less than
enthusiastic reply it is very obvious that she
has little interest in including me in her new life.
She has re-married and two years ago had a baby with her new husband - my "step" brother.
I just don't get why my Mom can't spare a
bit
of motherly love for me. She won't even support me or my sister
financially. I have to work to buy my own clothes and other things that parents
normally provide because my Dad has to put his money toward the bare essentials. However, she is
really
good to my "step" brother. Why? I don't understand. I've tried to
understand, but I can't. I try not to feel jealous but I can't help myself. I only
want
a bit of motherly love directed at me, is that wrong? She gave birth to me, I am
her
daughter too, why is she treating me (and my sister) this way?
I am very sad... devastated actually. I always hang a smile to cover up my real feelings.
It would devastate my Dad to know how lonely I am feeling. He tries so hard and is a really
good Dad, but sometimes a girl needs her mother! I am really tired and burnt out. I need my Mom!!!
I hope you can help me break out of this dead knot please... tell me what I
should do... please!
A:
You are in a very difficult, and sadly, NOT unusual spot. Can I address the
issue of your "step" brother first? It is hard when you are in the thick of
something like this to see that everything is not about you. Your mother's
attentions to her newest child are not about rejecting you, it is about
getting to know her new baby and adjusting to her life with a new husband. A
few things to keep in mind here;
Your HALF-brother (technically he is not your step brother
since you share a biological mother) is still a toddler, a relative baby
when compared to you, his needs are different than yours and younger
children need more physical attention no matter what. It is easy to confuse
this with getting more love. That is not the case, younger children simply
require more hands on care.
Your mother has lived through a divorce and is
starting a new family, as cold and heartless as it may seem she probably
isn't thinking of you first. This is not to excuse her not thinking of her
"old children" but merely to enlighten you to the fact that your mother may
be distant by default - she may not even realize that is what you are
perceiving.
I don't know the circumstances of the divorce but if she
broke up the family she is probably dealing with guilt, guilt at letting you
down. People handle this differently but it is not unusual to distance
oneself from that which reminds you of guilt. You need to confront her
feelings and your own and tell her that guilt or not you need and deserve a
mother who will be there for you.
If she is not the cause of the break up
she will be dealing with resentment and disappointment. You may remind her
of those feelings. If this is the case you need to do all you can to show her that you
are her daughter, not a part of the marriage that failed
but a by-product of it. Help her to separate the children from the failed
relationship.
I am not at all making excuses for her, I am only trying to get you to see
her (possible) perspectives. Very often in situations of divorce children
end up taking the "adult" role and acting "mature". Parents are people too
and they are not always parents first. You mom is dealing with her own life,
remind her that you are part of it!
That said, you are not at all wrong to want or need attention from your
mother. Especially now as you are losing your family, you need reassurance
that you are not also losing a parent. Do not feel bad or wrong about wanting
some babying or extra attention from your mother. You deserve it and she
owes it to you. Call her on it!
I suggest a heart to heart at a moment of calm (ie - not when you are
fighting or otherwise stressed). Tell her how you are feeling and how the
divorce is effecting you. Let her know that you still want and need her in your
life as a full mother and that what happened to end her marriage happened
between her and your father. Let her know that you love her and want her in
your life. Tell her that right now she is not living up to your needs or her obligations. Make
it clear that you understand she has her own life and her own worries but
that you feel there must be a compromise - somewhere where both of you can
feel you are getting what you need and deserve.
I wish you luck. You are dealing with a difficult situation that you did not create.
Your mother's actions are forcing you to take on a role you shouldn't have to, that of
the "mature one". Try not to let resentment of this fact make you bitter. Regardless of what
your mother does or has done you are a person worthy of love. Don't let her actions cause
you to doubt that. Stay strong!
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